My Child Isn’t Talking, Now What?

Typically I write for educators. This post is a little different. Today I’m writing for parents who are educators.

When my son was 19 months old, you might remember I wrote THIS POST on my decision that, as a speech language pathologist, I needed a speech language pathologist for my own son. Since that post, A TON of you have reached out, saying as an educator (teacher, special education teacher, SLP, etc.) you’re in the same boat with your own child and wondering what to do.

So, after getting some time of this “I-need-help-thinking” under my belt, and if you’re currently walking the same journey,  I’d like to offer you my thoughts and suggestions here.

• Ask for help. Yes, I know you went to school for years on child development. Yes, I know you know your own child inside and out. Yes, I know you have pride. But let’s just be real for a moment. Sometimes your child needs someone ELSE other than their parent. Ouch. If you get nothing else from this post, this is what I want you to know: It’s okay to ask for help. And here’s why:
  1. Parents have blind spots in regard to their children. When you look at your child, you see YOUR CHILD. Averages, norms, and percentages all fly out the window (and rightfully so) when you stare into the eyes of your child day in and day out. You know his or her’s unique strengths and even weaknesses, and without even realizing it, you play to them. If you would have asked me if I ever anticipated D’s needs a bit too early before he started speech, I probably would have told you “no.” After all, starting at 6 months, I encouraged sign language with all of my babies, I used the phrase “use your words,” more times than I could count, I gave sufficient waiting time before jumping to their needs. Or so I thought. After we began his speech therapy, I truly analyzed the way my husband and I interacted with him through the lens of the professional. Here’s what I saw: I knew my son. I mean, I KNEW my son. If my husband and I were having a conversation at dinner and he simply looked up and voiced “uh,” I knew he wanted his cup. Or was all done. Or wanted more. And I would give him those things because…let’s face it, when you’re a busy parent, sometimes it’s just easier to hand him the cup than stop the conversation, wait a few minutes, model the sign, and wait some more.  If you don’t believe that you anticipate your child’s needs pretty quickly, try videoing yourself with your child. Getting a professional does just this. It brings some of those things we miss as parents into focus and helps us truly learn how to work with our child.
  2. Your child will probably work better for someone else. It’s true. You know it as a educator because during parent-teacher meetings parents often say “I cannot believe he did that for you. I would never be able to get him to do that at home.” Before I had kids, I never really understood that statement. With sort of a judgey attitude I would think “Well, you’re the parent. You’re in charge. Make him do it.” Now that I’m a parent of 3, I totally get this. I worked for my dad a little bit in high school and can tell you, it wasn’t my best work. Once I began to work for an employer I needed to impress, my attention to detail amazingly improved by leaps and bounds. It’s the same with our kids.
  3. You will learn new things. Although you spent a fortune on your education, there are probably still some things you can learn, especially when it comes to your own children. And although I am a Speech Language Pathologist with the exact same letters after her name as the one who works with D, I don’t work with the little ones. My experience is in kindergarten on up, and just as a doctor has specialities and probably wouldn’t hesitate to take their child to a specialist if needed, so we shouldn’t be afraid to seek out another professional.
  4. Many states offer a birth-3 intervention program, which is completely FREE. Let me repeat. Completely FREE. In Ohio, we have Help Me Grow. Talk to your pediatrician and find out your options.
  5. You will never regret early intervention. Many of you reached out after my first post and said you were wondering if it was too early to be getting help for your child. My response? Nope! You will never ever hear yourself say “Wow, I really wish I hadn’t started so early with my child.” Instead, I tend to hear the opposite of parents wishing they HAD gotten help earlier.
• Okay, so now that we’ve established that it is okay (and often the right choice) for an educator to seek out the help of another professional, let’s address another elephant in the room: GUILT. You need to stop with the guilt and stop it now. But wow is this hard. We live in an age where parental guilt is becoming the norm, and it’s especially heaped upon us if our children are lagging in a certain area. I’m hear to tell you it needs to stop. Our child need it to stop. And here’s why:
  1. You didn’t cause your child to…be a late talker, have autism, have difficulty with reading, struggle with math, or whatever else you may need to fill in the blank here.  Let me say that again for those of you who need to hear this: You didn’t cause it. Our field focuses so much on shaping a child’s behavior through education, strategies, the environment, that sometimes we forget that a child comes with their own unique set of genes. I blamed myself endlessly for D being delayed in speech. I felt that I was able to give so much to my firstborn (because I only had one at the time) that I had somehow neglected D, and that’s why he wasn’t talking like his older sister. Guilt would settle on me every. single. moment. we weren’t sitting down purposefully working on talking or “learning.” I would feel guilty if I let him watch a 3-minute Youtube video on excavators. Even playing outside (which is SO good for kids) would get to me sometimes because I would think “we should be spending this time reading, or doing a puzzle, or doing something to facilitate language.” A breaking point finally came when my third child was born. Now I had 3 children under 4 years of age. If I felt that D’s language delay came because he didn’t get same amount of the attention his older sister received, there was no way I was going to be able to give baby Karis even the same amount of attention D received. But guess what? Karis was vocal the second she came into the world. She never stops talking, cooing, and babbling. And I didn’t do a thing differently. In fact, she really does probably get less attention…because #3rdchildproblems. So…for those of you who may not have had this breakthrough, here it is: Each child is different and unique. You can do a lot to shape and facilitate skills but there are some things that are just out of your control. Stop thinking you are the cause.
  2. Guilt does no one any good and can actually further delay your child. I’m probably going to get push-back from this one, but hear me out. As parents, we want to protect our children. We want to give them the best. Often, when we see an area that our child is struggling with, guilt creeps in, we “feel bad,” that this is happening to our child, so we try to take the struggle away. This unfortunately often happens in the form of reduced expectations, especially in the area of a child’s behavior.  But hear this. Just because a child is struggling in one area, does not mean you cannot still hold high expectations in other areas, teaching things like self-control, waiting, manners, or social skills. As a professional I’ve seen the unfortunate effects of this. Just because Joey is struggling to read does not mean he cannot demonstrate patience and wait his turn.  Just because Anna is not using words does not mean she cannot be taught the signs for “please” and “thank you” or be taught not to interrupt conversations using “uh, uh, uh.”  I even caught myself doing this! As a family, before we take even one bite of food, our kids know they need to wait and be quiet while daddy says a prayer. Well, D isn’t really using many words right now. I noticed that during prayer time, he would say “uh, uh, uh,” trying to get my attention about something. I struggled with telling him to be quiet because 99% of the rest of the day I was trying my hardest to get him to communicate. I finally realized that just because we are encouraging communication does not mean there won’t be times he needs to learn to be quiet and wait. Now, he bows his head, folds his hands, squeezes his eyes shut, and knows to stay quiet during prayer. And when we go out to eat, people notice and comment on “what a polite little boy he is.” (#proudparentmoment) We cannot let our guilt place our child further behind by reducing expectations.

So now that you know you need help and you’re going to stop with the guilt, what can parents do in the meantime to facilitate language development? This is a question I receive ALL THE TIME because as educators, you want to do what’s best for your child. As a speech language pathologist, here are a few things you can do with your little one at home:

1. Do Verbal Routines with your child. These are words said in the same order, over and over again. For example, when you pick your child up, say “up! up! up!” When you put your child down, “1, 2, 3 down!” When you’re playing with cars “ready, set, go!” They can even be little songs or rhymes just so they are the same and predictable. As your child comes to know these routines, pause and see if he can finish the phrase himself.  One of D’s favorite books is “Your Baby’s First Word will be DADA” by Jimmy Fallon (affiliate link). Whenever he would get stuck saying “Mama,” we would say his favorite part of the book which goes “Now everybody get in line let’s say it together one more time…. DADA!” and this would do the trick of getting him to say Dada because it was a verbal routine for him.
2. Focus on non-real words (sounds strange) but words such as “uh oh,” “meow” when playing with a cat, “ruff ruff” when playing with a dog “whee!” with a car, and so on are often more fun and easier for children to imitate.
3. Pair words with signs. I’ve found this to be really helpful for children who are motivated to communicate. D is not. So getting him to talk or sign is like pulling teeth 😏
4. Stop the screen time. Parents-this is a huge (and scary) one. There are so many articles like this one stating how screens are impacting language development. Children under 2 should have absolutely no screens and although it’s super easy to just give your child your phone during a grocery trip, if you don’t start it, they never come to expect it. Instead, it’s okay for children to be “bored,” yes-even on long road trips. Children are missing out on so much today because their little eyes are glued to a screen.
5. Other tips are ones you’re probably already doing-reading to your child, playing games, pointing out things and talking about them, and giving sufficient wait time.

Okay, well I’ve been wanting to write this one for a while now. I hope this gives a good starting point on what to do if your child is not talking yet or behind in an area.  Most of all, I hope you find it encouraging. I want to end on this note: Take in your WHOLE child. Sometimes, it can be so easy to focus on the one area they are struggling in and forget the rest. But everything is a give and take. I bet they have some real strengths in spite of or even because of that area. When I think about D and his quiet, calm personality, his attention to detail, the way he meticulously builds blocks, or they way his eyes light up around any sort of excavator, I wouldn’t trade those little things for anything, even 100 words.

What tips do you have? Write them below so we can all benefit!